Today is the three month date since my surgery. I decided to mark it with a new blog post.

First, a health report. I’m recovering nicely from the surgery and cancer. My weight is pretty steady at 150, about 20 lbs less than “normal”; I like being thin, and hope to stay about here. I’m still on a few medications: a sedative to help me sleep, a mood elevator, and a blood pressure drug, but I’m off opiates after almost a year of daily use. I plan to get off the sedative and the elevator over the next few months if I can. My energy level is maybe about 85% of what it was before all this mess, and it gets a little better every day. I can eat anything I want, and my digestion is pretty good as long as I don’t eat a lot of fat or sugar. On the down side, my fingers and toes still have some numbness and it’s possible they may never fully recover; that would be a bit of a drag. Finally, I have some pain and stiffness in my neck and shoulder, a result of a year of lying around and having terrible posture, but I’m in physical therapy and it’s getting better steadily. So, I’d say things are going pretty well with the recovery.

I did have a period of feeling depressed from about weeks 4-8, so I went to see a psychiatrist at Cancer for Life. He told me that all pan-can patients get depressed, that there are documented changes to the brain chemistry, and he prescribed the mood elevator. I don’t like the side effects, but it has helped me with greater energy and initiative. So, most of the time I feel pretty good, though I’m very groggy in the mornings and I never really feel fully energized.

I’m very fortunate that I haven’t had to work during this debacle, so I’m trying to use the time fruitfully and have a lot of fun. I started an art class a few weeks ago, and I am really enjoying doing drawings in pencil and charcoal; this is the best one so far:

Soon the class will start working with paint, which should be great. 

I’m also trying to exercise every day, either walking a few miles in the woods or riding my bike on the paved trail. I did 18 miles on Wednesday, and I was proud of that. Next Saturday I’m starting golf lessons; I’ve played a couple of times since surgery, but I was awful, and I’ve wanted to have some help with my swing for a long time, so I think it’s a great time to take lessons. And, I still watch a lot of sports, especially Caps hockey, which Allison and I have really come to enjoy together. Game 2 tonight!

I do want to go back to work at some point, Not sure what I want to do; perhaps teach again, or do some sort of volunteer work, or maybe even go around and talk to cancer sufferers. It would be nice to start making money again, but I don't know how likely that could be. I'm giving myself another few months to try to decide.

The fact of having had cancer still dominates my thoughts and feelings. I’m stunned when I recall the past year (the anniversary of my diagnosis is next week); how scared I was, how lousy I felt, and how it hung over me like a sword every minute of every day. And now, seemingly, it is all over. I know I’m incredibly lucky to have beaten it. It’s very hard for me to understand all this and find any perspective on it. I don’t feel like I’m describing this very well; but what I’m trying to say is that emotionally I’m a very different person than I used to be, and I can’t help but think about it all the time. 

Last night I sat at a bar while Carly was at the mall and I had a burger and a beer. It was the first time I’d done that in over a year, and it was the best beer I’ve ever had.

I got very emotional over my plate of greasy fries and smeared ketchup, and almost shed a few tears in my glass of amber ale. I know now that life is full of wonderful little things, like cheeseburgers and walks in the woods and sunrises and great novels and perfect 8-irons, and much, much more. Not to mention really big things like friends and children and lovers. I feel so fortunate and so grateful to be where I am today.

(At least I did when I came out of my food coma. I was in such a daze from all that fat, as well as the alcohol.)

I firmly believe that all the support I from friends and family was vital to me in winning this battle. The only bad part of getting well is that I am less inclined to reach out to people, and people are not as quick to contact me. So if you are reading this, please know how much you helped me, and don’t hesitate to get in touch with me any time. I will always be happy to hear from you.